I feel like Beyonce is always calling me to action. Most recently on February 6, she issued a challenge. She asked me to get in formation. As a dutiful stan, I did my best to get in line. I made all sorts of notes to myself. I promised to be more adventurous. I told myself I wasn't gone fuck with the lame dude I was seeing anymore. I vowed to eat better and go workout. I was adamant that it was time do my own ish. I mean I wanna be a black Bill Gates in the making and since I'm so gracious, can I please get some revenge in the form of paper over here? Beyonce dropped a single and I was bout that life-inspired, believing I can do all things, ready to create, officially bout to be a boss bitch...again.
I've tried this before. A few times.
The truth is I'm always open to be inspired. I start off so strong. I pray, meditate, write down what I want and in the meantime, I show up. I look for signs from the Universe and sure enough I spot them. I follow those signs and for a while, everything goes well. Then a snag appears. Life steps in with what seems like an unsurmountable obstacle. I try to resist the urge to fall back into old, comfortable patterns, but the forge your own route path is difficult so I tend to fall back on what I know and trust. I turn my back on the unknown and focus on doing the best I can where I am. But when Formation came out, I felt like it was a serious call to action. When that beat first drops I feel something inside tugging me to be more than I am in the moment. Formation was telling me to not only pursue my own but to make sure to incorporate my voice. I sometimes feel too country or too loud or too black to get to where I'm going. I tend to suppress those aspects of myself in pursuit of my dream. I felt like Bey's surprise single was calling me out to embrace all my ish and bring it to my work.
So I tried. I tried to write from the truth of my life. It was hard but I wrote and I put it out there. At work, I wasn't really happy so I silently wished for something new. I watched the signs and was ready when an opportunity came. It turned out to be amazing at every turn. I felt like I was living my dream but one day the dream ended abruptly and awkwardly. The job was going to be WAY shorter than I had anticipated. I also started to get feedback on some of my the writing I had been submitting. The results were not good and rejection started to pour in from all directions. I'd also forgotten calories exist and found myself more overweight than I've ever been. This week all that combined to form the perfect storm of how much more can one girl take resulting in a Saturday morning breakdown. But I didn't trip and let the tears fall. I knew I'd be ok if I could just make it to 6pm PST when Beyonce's visual album would premiere on HBO.
Beyonce's LEMONADE visual album presentation just aired on HBO. It was visually stunning. It was set mostly in Louisiana - recognized so many of the locations. It felt like home. She was talking that good Bey ish - you know like negro you ain't ish I'm that bitch so either you get with this or I'm leaving and will look amazing while doing so and you gone deal with it kinda Beyonce music. The visuals were super historic - merging the past with the present flawlessly. My fav song features Kendrick Lamar and calls for Freedom. She had another direct word for me, "I'mma keep running because winners don't quit on themselves." I needed that today. I was about to quit. Once again Beyonce inspired me to do and be more than what I currently am.
People like to make fun of those affected by Beyonce in the way I am but I feel they are just too cool for school. Isn't it an artist's job to provide inspiration? Make us feel like we're transported to something else? Change our feelings and our minds? Reflect the times?
In two weeks I'll be in my seat at the Formation tour in Houston. I'll be there ready to receive what she has to offer. In the meantime, I'll be tackling this Beyonce sized to do list I've created to keep me busy during these times. Unlike early this morning, I now see my situation as one more of hope than despair. I feel like redemption is in the air. Confidence is all over me (as it should be for any woman of color that just saw this visual album). More importantly than the fact I'm a stan, I'm on this human journey just looking for signs to help guide me along this journey. Some days it is too difficult to go it alone and I look to the arts for guidance and inspiration. I'm grateful for artists who use their gift to get me from one point to the next. For the 50-11th time, I'm gone dust myself off and try again.
I'm being called to after all.