Put Em On Da Glass

Throughout the course of my life, I've taken plenty of tests. I have a general test taking strategy that has served me well. Place mammogram-1the material under my pillow, get a good night's sleep, wake up early and say a prayer, take a shower and get dressed in something that makes me feel confident then go do my best. Yesterday I took the most challenging test thus far in my life and unfortunately none of my test skills could help me. I was taking my first ever screening mammogram, a test that uses images from an x ray to detect abnormalities in breast tissue that may be linked to cancer and other diseases. In general, I don't do doctors. I never had any major illnesses and I don't plan to in the future. I prefer more holistic approaches to healthcare and think that sometimes medicine is designed to make us sicker. Having said that, I do think alternative medicine can help but you've got to be aware. And since President Obama fought so hard to get healthcare for us all and I have a job that covers, I figured I'd go in for a physical. When I got there and explained my family history (my Grandmother has survived breast cancer TWICE) I was told that her history plus my age pretty much put me a super high risk. Additionally, I have some things in that I have come to know as unique to me and my boobies but my new doctor was not so familiar. I was ordered to go take a mammogram and so I made an appointment. I was gonna blow it off but of course I was reminded of my younger cousin who was not as fortunate as my Granny when she faced cancer (not breast but still). I also thought of my cousins, colleagues and friends who have faced the utterly stupid disease. I also had to remind myself that no matter what I face, it's a part of the Universe's grand conspiracy on my behalf. So I got dat azz up earlier than normal and heading to Beverly Hills for my test.

I had to make my  appointment super early - this fine gig I have does take care of my health care but doesn't want me missing work time to pursue such appointments. The office was filled with women of all races and seemingly socio economic backgrounds. They all looked older than me and the room was filled with a weird vibe. Up to that point, I wasn't too concerned but as I scanned the room, I took on that energy and became quite nervous. What if they found something? What if my new elevation to DD was due to some viscous tumor looking to claim my twins? What if What if What if...I made myself busy filling out all the paperwork and signed away my right to a malpractice suit. After a brief wait it was my turn to go to the back.

IMG_3185I was given a cutesy dressing room and told to put on a pink coverup. Once de-robed (and snapped a selfie of course), I went in for my turn. The lady briefly explained what I had to do. As she talked all I could think of was Sir Mix A Lot's "Put Em On The Glass". That's literally what she was saying would happen. I have a habit at finding sexual inneundo in the least sexy situations. As I chuckled uncontrollably, I had to place my girls on a glass plate while a thing pressed em down flat! Talk about uncomfortable...and cold (but still funny bc it was so not really like the song but sort of kinda like it). I immediately knew this system was designed by some dude who had no idea how painful this felt (which made me think of feminist Beyonce so now I was singing "Grown Ass Woman").

All in all the whole thing took about 20 minutes and I was then left with the worse part of test taking - the wait. In school, I've always been the type to take the test then forget about the test until grades came. I am currently trying my best to employ that tactic since it'll be at least a week before I hear anything. (Reminding myself the Universe is ever conspiring on my behalf so all will be well no matter the results.) The worse part? If I do "pass", I am still have to take this test every two years from now until forever....just like other women everywhere...

Worse test ever...